There are an extremely limited number of days in which someone with Gastroparesis is firing on all cylinders. When those days come, you make the most of them. Today was one of those days for me.
Usually a day of pure lucidity and being able to move at a fast pace (both physically & mentally) comes within a few days after a complete and utter meltdown. There are only so many days in which you can “stay strong” and “put on the happy face”. Think about the last family gathering or awkward work function that you went to where you put on a smile even though you were miserable. Think about how taxing it is on you mentally and physically. Now think about adding to that equation being malnourished and in a significant amount of pain. This is what the majority of daily life is like for someone with Gastroparesis. It is not sustainable to keep smiling so as not to have to describe how you feel. I don’t care how “strong” you are, at some point you just need to break down and allow yourself to fall apart to complete and utter pieces. It is inevitable that it will happen. Due to the inevitability, you should allow it to happen when you are in the comfort of your own home and surrounded by someone that truly loves you. This was two nights ago for me (hence the missing blog post from that evening.) In addition to all of the nausea & vomiting that occurred that evening, I also had a complete breakdown.
The morning after the breakdown, I started to feel better. I could tell that this flair was about to end and that any day now I would have my moment. My moment of getting back to pre-Gastroparesis life and firing on all cylinders. The best analogy I can give for this is that of a car’s oil change. The old grimy dirty oil is dragging down the car’s performance, but once you let out all of that grime and dirt the car starts to perform better. A Gastroparesis breakdown is the equivalent of draining out all of that old oil. Once that oil is gone you know you are about to fire on all cylinders.
It is such an amazing feeling to be able to do things at a pace in which you used to, you also know that there is a timer inside your body that will be going off. It’s a race against time and you have no idea what that time limit is. You don’t know when, you don’t know where, but you do know the timer will go off and you will crash no matter what steps you take to prevent it. As such, I make the most of the lucid days. I work at a fast pace and try to knock out as many important items on my list as fast as I can. I don’t know how much time I have, so I keep rushing. I don’t want to lose a moment of this capability.
The other interesting thing that happens when you fire on all cylinders is that once your body is done for the day it just stops. Literally one minute you are running 100 mph and the next minute you are passed out wherever you are. You are also so sound asleep that someone could rob your entire house and you would sleep right through it! You just hope that the period of lucidity is still there the next morning.
As I have mentioned before, if you are not a GPer and reading this blog NEVER take for granted your ability to eat. It is a true luxury. We should also add to that list, NEVER take for granted your ability to fire on all cylinders. These days are few and far between for us GPers, but we sure do make the most of them when it happens!
~Millie
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