Anyone with Gastroparesis inevitably becomes a good actor/actress. We learn how to put on the happy face and pretend that we are fine, when in reality we are not. This has been the case for me over the past couple of days.
How I appear:
How I feel:
I am preparing for a multi-city trip which will be a combination of Gastroparesis Advocacy & a conference for my day job. (More on these & the joys of flying with GP in blogs over the next few days.) As I prepare for the trip, there are several items that need completed for my day job, for the advocacy work, and at home. I must confess that I am about to reach my breaking point and keep telling myself “I think I can, I think I can”. All the while, keeping up my appearance as Wonder Woman who can handle it all and do it with grace.
My latest tactic is not only lying to everyone else, but lying to myself that I feel fine. I think that maybe if I pretend the burning in my stomach isn’t there that perhaps it will magically go away. Deep down, I know that this is a horrible horrible plan and will result in a major crash. I just keep telling myself that if I can hang on until I am safely on a plane Friday, that it will all end okay. That somewhere over the course of the next 36 hours that I can magically finish all of these items.
Part of the reason I keep smiling is that if I tell someone just how sick I feel, they’ll tell me to slow down. They don’t realize that if I slow down that it won’t make everything go away. They don’t realize that it will just keep the stress of it all hanging over my head which makes it difficult to take it easy. They don’t realize that you think this is the best way to keep from launching into a downward spiral.
Gastroparesis is a tricky thing to manage. On one hand it is best to give in and take a rest, but the stress remains. On the other hand it is best to rem0ve as much stress as you can, but this forces you to push your body beyond your limit. It is a vicious cycle.
So I will do what I can. I will continue working on a project for my day job with a hard stop at a certain time. I’ll do some yoga to clear my mind and then go soak in some epsom salts. All the while, trying to figure out how to put those pesky GP elves to work and do something productive!